It’s Not You, It’s Natural Gas: A Power Plant Breaks Up With Coal
By Benjamin H. Deitchman
Coal: Good morning, Power Plant! After a long journey from deep inside the mines it is beautiful to emerge on another busy day for us in this electric community!
Power Plant: It is a highly charged day indeed, Coal, but we need to talk.
Coal: Wait, what is that, Power Plant? Do I smell some sort of gas?
Power Plant: Whoever smelt it, dealt it.
Coal: What are you saying? Is that Natural Gas? Have you been weighing the costs and benefits of ending our arrangement in favor of Natural Gas?
Power Plant: I am so sorry, Coal, but our relationship paradigm is changing and we need to discuss our long-term future. I no longer see you as the best option for me going forward.
Coal: Are you cheating on me with Natural Gas? Are you breaking up with me?
Power Plant: Coal, you’ve filled my heart with so much energy for so long. Everyone was talking about us. Through our relationship we have literally lit up the entire city. Things, however, have changed.
Coal: Those terrible regulations, Power Plant! They are trying to break us up. The policymakers and bureaucrats are trying to make rules that keep me underground and prevent me from seeing the light of day. You cannot let them do that to us!
Power Plant: I am so very sorry, Coal, but your paranoia is unfounded. There is no war against you.
Coal: What is it, then, Power Plant?
Power Plant: You just make me feel so dirty.
Coal: I can become clean Coal. I promise.
Power Plant: You and your allies have been saying that for years. There’s always an excuse though, Coal. The technology just isn’t there right now, and, looking around, I just do not know if carbon dioxide capture and sequestration will ever will be feasible for us in this location. I am growing old, nearing retirement, and I can’t wait any longer to convert into another relationship.
Coal: Oh, really, Power Plant? I’ve seen Natural Gas. You are the one being delusional. It’s not as if Natural Gas is so pure and clean.
Power Plant: I am sorry, Coal, but Natural Gas is maybe not the cleanest, but Natural Gas is cleaner. I must also admit to you now that I also explored the option of Nuclear. Nuclear is emissions free and might be great for me for a long term connection, but the upfront costs of entering into that relationship were just too high for me. A meltdown from Nuclear is unlikely, but I did not want to take that risk. Nuclear is just too modern and advanced for me, and I just cannot get involved with someone who hasn’t resolved issues over waste.
Coal: I am reliable, Power Plant. You can call on me any time of day in any weather conditions. I can be there for you.
Power Plant: I understand, Coal. I have been a poor partner of late. We have not been running together as often. After my flings with Efficiency, I just do not need you as much. I actually also flirted with Wind and Solar. What beautiful resources. Their love is renewable and clean, no filthy criteria pollutants or greenhouse gases impeding our progress as a couple, but, you must understand, right now I need Natural Gas.
Coal: I am just as good as Natural Gas!
Power Plant: Life with Natural Gas is now so much more affordable, Coal. No more waiting for the train to arrive: Natural Gas just flows right on in through the pipeline.
Coal: You know what, frack you and your fracked friend, Power Plant!
Power Plant: It’s true, Natural Gas won me over with the fracking. Such abundance for me.
Coal: I support the economy, Power Plant. I support jobs.
Power Plant: I understand, but the economy is changing. We will work to help you transition into the twenty-first century. You had to know this breakup was inevitable Coal. Fracking has become important to me. I am so sorry.
Coal: It is still hard to accept. What now for me, Power Plant?
Power Plant: You are still much beloved in some states and countries, but maybe it’s time to try something completely different. You can travel the world with Santa Claus, visiting the homes of naughty children.
Coal: Fair enough. We had a good run, Power Plant. Industrial revolutionary.
Power Plant: I will never forget you, Coal! When I look out at your fly ash polluting our rivers or when climate change forces me to ramp up on a scorching hot winter day, I will always remember the how the electricity in our relationship powered everything around us. Rock on, my rock!
